Broken Spirits
by DraconicFlames
Summary: The fight between Tony and Steve was heart breaking, but what if it was even more emotional than we thought? Exactly how much did they betray each other? WARNING! Possible trigger warning. Rated T for dark themes and self harm.


**Hey guys! I'm back! Sorry I've been gone forever, things got kinda crazy :/ Anyway, I figured to make it up, I would do another 4** **th** **of July story. I've had this sort of story type rolling around in my head for a while, but didn't know how to do it, until now! Mwhahahahaha! But seriously, sorry for the dark spin on this, it's just where I'm at right now. Like I said, crazy year. Anyway, enough stalling, on with the show!**

 **WARNING!: TRIGGER WARNING! This is loosely based on my own life and thoughts and I know for a fact its not happy, so please read with caution. I have no room to talk but seriously.**

 **Disclaimer: When I said crazy, that doesn't mean I own Marvel now, soooo yeah.**

 **Time: After Civil War, no major spoilers, slight AU.**

* * *

 **Broken Spirits**

I stared up at the night sky and admired the countless stars that painted the heavens. Hmm I wonder what Thor is doing up there. I haven't seen him since the Ultron incident. Although, now that I think about it, it's probably a good thing that he wasn't here for well… the disagreement between Tony and I. Disagreement putting it lightly of course. I also hope his friend Heimdall didn't tell Thor about what's happened, I feel like he would just be very disappointed in all of us. I bring my hands up to my face and groan. "Where did it all go wrong…?" I mumble to myself.

Tony and I always had our differences, but the fiasco with the Sokovia Accords was on a completely different level. It hurt; it was personal. We were both fighting for people we loved. I was fighting for Bucky. Tony was fighting for at first the people, or so he believed, but was also fighting for his parents. For Howard and his wife. That's still not what makes me upset though, it's the fact that we both knew what the other was fighting for and how much it meant for us, yet we still fought. I can remember the times where we were there for those reasons, but we were comforting the other instead of fighting.

* * *

 _I looked off into the distance of the New York skyline with my feet dangling off the edge of the Avengers Tower. I've been searching endlessly for Bucky, but to no avail. Sam has been a great help and support, but admittedly, I haven't been doing too well. I'm 70 years outdated, pretty much alone in a new and strange world, Peggy's condition is not doing well, Shield is gone with the return of Hydra, and to top it all off my best friend, my only connection to my own world, is missing. The stress and anxiety has sent me into a form of depression that has been getting worse with each passing day. I've gone to Bruce about it because it has affected my abilities in combat due to the nature of the serum. If I'm not 100% mentally, than the serum doesn't allow me to perform 100% physically. He gave me a specialized form of anti-depressant that works most of the time; it's the times where it doesn't that I find myself here._

 _I raised my arm and pulled back the sleeve of my jacket to reveal scars and cuts. Some are old, some are recent, some are scars from when it was really bad, and a few are legitimate battle scars that only add to the horrific piece of art on my arm. Banner has been more frustrated with me lately because he knows about me cutting, but can't do much about it. I'm a soldier that goes out on missions and is almost always on guard; I have no end to sharp things like knifes and I have a legit reason for having them. He can't take them away so he keeps insisting that I find different ways to deal with stress and that I tell him when I cut. I've been trying to find new hobbies and such on my free time like he said, but I never tell him when I've cut, much to his annoyance._

 _I pull a small hidden blade out of my wallet that I keep to get past Banner's inspection whenever I enter the tower. I feel bad for lying to him and even worse when I remember that I promised Natasha I would never do something like this when I dropped a hint about how bad I was doing. It makes me feel like I'm betraying everyone and am nothing but a disappointment. Ironically, it's because they care so much that makes me feel horrible and drag the blade across my skin until the red seeps out. Oh, if Bucky could see me now… what would he even say? Thinking about him was a mistake because I instantly think of all the times we spent together and how we would always be there if we needed help. Of course, back then Bucky actually could help me when I'm in trouble and I couldn't even defend myself, but it comforted us nevertheless._

 _At these memories, I start tearing up. It was such a happy time looking back. Then I remember all the times we had each other's back in battle. Then… the time I couldn't be there for him, and he fell from the train into the snow below. By now, the stream of tears are steady as I cry atop the tower, mourning over my friend and what happened to him._

" _Bucky…" I say to myself really, but it was more like a desperate plea for help as if I hoped that by some miracle he could hear me. "Bucky… I'm so sorry… for everything… I'm sorry for not being there for you when you needed me… for leaving you behind in the hands of those monsters. Bucky… I'm sorry for me being a failure… I'm glad you can't see me right now because you would be so disappointed… but I need you… I can't do this without you…please… come back!" I was screaming now and an absolute mess._

 _In my hysterics, I didn't notice that I still had the blade to my arm and was cutting extremely deep into it. Blood was everywhere, but I didn't care; I didn't care about anything anymore. I didn't care that blood was soaking my clothes or that I was getting very light headed. I welcomed the pain and the chance to escape this world. As a matter a fact, I found myself leaning more and more ever the edge of the tower. However, right before I go far enough to lose my balance, I feel a hand firmly grip my shoulder and pull me back. I look back to see who it was that prevented me from ending all this pain. I was expecting Banner or maybe Natasha, but when I turn around, I'm surprised to see a certain genius billionaire playboy philanthropist in tears and shaking. Then he speaks in a voice full of pain and cracking._

" _Don't… don't you fucking dare Steve."_

" _T-Tony? What are y-you-"_

" _You're bleeding, badly." He interrupts._

" _What? Oh… yeah… it's nothing…" I reply, trying to brush it off as if nothing has happened, though that is obviously not the case. I can barely stay upright._

" _Bullshit. Inside. Now. That needs to be treated." With that, Tony grabbed my hand and led me inside. We ended up just going into the main lobby area. We didn't talk on the way there; neither of us were in a good enough state to talk. This was the calm before the storm though, I could tell Tony was just waiting for a good time to try to get answers._

 _After he was done treating the cuts, he had me go grab a change of clothes. Once I came back in a fresh set of clothes, I saw Tony sitting on the couch with a drink in hand. I decided it would be better to get this over with when he's not on too much alcohol so I take a seat on the couch across from him. Then, I wait. I refuse to be the first one to talk. Besides, he's the one with the questions so really, he should speak first. I figured, since its Tony, that it wouldn't be long till he starts talking; however, there was complete silence for what felt like ever as he just stared at no spot in particular. After about 15 or so minuets, he finally spoke._

" _When… I found out that my parents died, I didn't know what to do with myself. I spent about a week locked up in my house either crying or drinking. Both most the time actually. After the initial shock, and a massive hangover, the funeral was held. That night… was the first night I cut myself." Tony then lifted his sleeve up to reveal faded scars along his arms._

" _I thought those were from battle…" I was shocked to say the least. I never thought those were from Tony hurting himself._

" _That's what I wanted everyone to think. The truth is that I felt alone. I didn't always show it, but they meant the world to me…" Tony looked down and his eyes were starting water. "I didn't know it was going to be the last time I saw them… I didn't say that I loved them… that I would miss them… that I was sorry…" He was crying now and let his head fall down into his hands. I slowly walk over and sit down next to him on the couch, then put my hand on his shoulder. I understand what he's talking about. Its like what I went through with Bucky. In fact, I'm positive that the only reason I didn't do what Tony did at first is because I was so focused on finishing the fight with Hydra and then went down in the ice. After I woke up, I was too busy adjusting and doing things for Fury, then was tangled up in alien problems, then worked for shield, and finally found out that Hydra was in Shield. That's when I found out that Bucky was alive and hurting because I left him. That's when I started going downhill. That's why I understand where Tony is coming from now._

" _I'm sorry Tony." He took a deep breath and looked up at me._

" _My point is, I know what you're going through Steve. You don't have to do this alone. I'm here for you, along with the rest of the Avengers. If you need help or just someone to talk to, let us know. We will be there." I was crying again, but not out of sadness this time, it was out of relief and happiness. Tony sees this, stands up, and opens his arms. I don't argue and practically collapse in his embrace, letting all my emotions out._

" _T-hank you T-Tony… I'm so s-sorry…" I sobbed into his shoulder._

" _Its okay." He said gently, and then he pulled away a little so I could see him. "Just promise me to do never do something like that again. As for the cutting, I know you can't just stop suddenly, but please get help so you don't do this anymore. I'm right here if you want to talk about something that is bugging you."_

" _Thank you Tony. I'll do my best." We quickly hug once more then separate._

" _Hey, you want to hit Baskins Robbins?" Tony asks with a grin._

" _Yes! Their Daiquiri Ice is so good! Its my favorite of all time." Tony laughs at my excitement. "One thing though, shouldn't we wear disguises or something?"_

" _Why?" Asked Tony who was already walking towards the door but paused._

" _Jeez, maybe because you're a "billionaire playboy philanthropist" and people would recognize you and cause a scene. I really don't feel like dealing with crowds of people." I reply._

" _First off, its_ genius _billionaire playboy philanthropist. Honestly Steve, I'm hurt." He says while holding his hand over his heart and doing his best to look offended. I role my eyes. "Second, what's the point? It's Baskin Robbins, they always find out."_

" _Alright, fair enough. But if we're stuck being crowded by press and fans, I'm blaming you."_

" _Haha okay. Whatever you say."_

 _Needless to say, Baskin Robbins did find out who we were and we were indeed swarmed by people. Tony had to buy a whole bucket of Daiquiri Ice just so I wasn't too annoyed at him._

* * *

I smile at the memory. Tony and I both had something in common. I look at my arm and see the scars I left that night. Then I see the ones that are more recent. After that night in the tower, I tried not to cut anymore, but when I had to fight Tony for Bucky, I couldn't take it. After Bucky was put back on ice, it felt like I was back to square one. Only this time, Tony wasn't here. He betrayed me, and I betrayed him. We both knew what it meant to the other but it didn't change anything. I sigh again and close my eyes. "Damn it Rogers, can't even celebrate the 4th without feeling sorry for yourself can you?" I sigh aloud to no one. To my surprise though, someone answered.

"Wow Steve. It must be worse than I thought. You're using bad language words now? You need to get some help." I recognize that arrogant voice anywhere.

"As I recall, you're always the one saying I should embrace the modern world. Besides, you're not allowed to tell someone they can't swear when you swear all the time. Especially if that person knows it."

"Alright you made your point." Tony said while chuckling and taking a seat next to me. "You have new ones?" Tony asked referring to my arm.

"Yeah… You?"

"Yep. Me too…" He raised his sleeve to reveal fresh marks on his own arm.

"I'm sorry Tony… Really I am…"

"I know Cap. I am too…" Tony then smiled a little. "You know, while your shield does make a nice wall decoration, I imagine it would be of better use with you."

"You hung my shield on your wall? Seriously? That's like me taking your arc reactor or helmet and putting in a trophy case." Tony laughs at the thought.

"All the more reason for you to have it." he insists

"Maybe later. I still don't think I'm ready. Plus… It is your father's shield Tony."

"But he made it for Captain Steve Rogers. That's enough reason for me."

"When I'm ready. Right now I just want to lay low." I know Tony is just trying to cheer me up, but I left it with him for a reason. Until I need it back, he can have it.

"Okay. If you say so." We stayed quite for a while. The reason I came here is to watch the fireworks away from the rest of the world. There was a city down below while I was on a mountain. I like to get out and away every once and awhile. The fireworks started after a few more minutes and they looked awesome. While I was watching, I didn't notice Tony pulling something out from his jacket pocket. "I'm still not letting you leave here empty handed." This caught me off guard.

"What is that supposed to mean?" I asked. Tony handed me a picture the original team took at the tower a year ago for the 4Th of July. I smiled thinking back on it.

"Happy Birthday Steve." I'm tearing up again and we both embrace each other.

"Thanks Tony."

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 **That's all folks! Cya next time ;)**


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